11 years....

11 years is a long time, at least it feels like a long time.  So why is 11 years so important?  Well 11 years ago yesterday this picture was taken...

Jim is 21 and I'm 19.  It's February 7, 2003 and we've just met about an hour before this picture was taken.  Long story short, I was a sophomore at Rutgers, he had just passed his Realtors exam, we were both looking to party on a Friday night and ended up at Dave's dorm (his best friend and my college buddy.)  There's a lot more to it then that but I won't bore you with the details.  It was a great night, my friend Melissa, and I had a good time hanging out with the guys and when we went our separate ways he went in for a kiss, to which I turned my head and allowed him only my cheek.  I was convinced I'd never see him again since he didn't have my number, but he did have Dave.  Not long after Melissa was sitting on my bed using my laptop, instant messaging a friend through AOL AIM and who would pop up but Jim, looking for information about me.  We met up again a week after Valentine's Day and have more or less been inseparable ever since.  Enjoy a little walk down memory lane with me...

Christmas 2005 in Rockefeller center

Our first apartment together February 2007 

Our best friend's wedding, June 2008

Tailgating at a Giant's game

Our wedding, May 2009

Honeymoon in Disney, May 2009

"Family" vacation with my parents in OBX, 2013

Seems like a great love story, doesn't it?  Fast forward 11 years... at this very moment we have been "officially" together for 10 years (that anniversary is in June,) we've been engaged for nearly 7 years, married for nearly 5, trying to have a baby for the same amount of time, but almost a year into our attempts through RE/IVF.  At our wedding, my best friend and matron of honor gave a beautiful speech about how life is a roller coaster and you just have to hold on tight.  It's actually a reference to an inside joke we have (I'll fill in that blank some day but not today) but I had no idea how true to point was until now.  We're struggling and I'm not sure it's worth it anymore.  If it were just a matter of infertility bringing us down I'd say we can battle, we can make it.  But it's oh so much more than that.  Jim is generally just a miserable person and it kills me to think that no matter what I do I can't make him happy, and the more I try the more I make myself feel like a pathetic dog just trying to do tricks for his master.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm tired but I'm also scared. 

To have the future I always wished for, I have to leave Jim.  I have to let go of the past 11 years and move on.  I think this would be easy if I were younger, or if I were older and already had kids.  But I'm 30, I'll be 31 in June.  If I left Jim today I'd need a year to rebuild, at least, probably another year before I really met someone and then another year before we settled down, that puts me at 33 almost 34 in the best case scenario.  Am I going to end up battling infertility again but this time it will be because my eggs have been sitting and rotting while I wasted time?  But if I stay there is no guarantee of children either.  Honestly, I'm the only one working and while I bring in decent money, it isn't enough to pay all the bills.  What will happen if I get pregnant?  What if I have to go on bed rest?  What happens during maternity leave?  Who will watch the baby when I go back to work?  I've known it for a while, but I've been trying and reaching and wanting this for so long that it's so scary to just let it go, but truly it would be irresponsible to have a child right now. 

How do you let go of something you've wanted your whole life?  It's something you know you can have, you know you can battle for it and it will be worth it, but right now it's just not an option.  If you let go and put it to the side, how do you know that option will still be there in a few years?  I'm at a loss for words on that though alone.  I can't help but feel that while the last 11 years is full of some great memories I wouldn't trade for the world, ultimately it's just been a waste.  I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I've thrown away everything on the hope that someday my husband will be the person I thought he was going to be 11 years ago. 

I have to move on and part of that is leaving things behind.  I have to leave all of my trying to conceive groups, but it's just so sad.  I've pulled away from them a lot, especially the girls in the main chat, but I love following their stories, I love cheering them on (all be it quietly from the corner.)  Leaving just makes it feel so final, so definite.  I'm sure I could come back in a few years but by then all the girls I know now will have their babies, it just won't be the same.  It has to be done though and until I do it, I'll still hold on to the glimmer of hope that I'll have a baby this year or early next, and that I'll have that baby with Jim, which is what I've always said that I wanted.  Honestly, right now, I want a baby more than anything, but I know I don't want it to be with Jim, and that should be the most telling statement of any.  If you don't want your husband to be the father of your children, your marriage is over whether you want to admit it or not.