What drives me?

(source)

This weeks Girl Between the Lines ( linking up with Haley and Lauren) questions is very interesting to me because my reasons have changed so much in not even a year and seem to continue to change everyday. 

"Why do you blog?  What does it mean to you?"

Originally my reason was just to get things off my chest.  I felt like I had a lot to say and no one to say them to.  Whenever I tell a story or talk to my friends, I get interrupted or talked over, leading to personal frustration as well as there's, since it feels like everything I say drags on and on. 

Shortly after starting my blog, I began my IVF experience and found this was a great outlet to express what I was feeling and what I was going through.  I also found that there are so many women out there who hide their infertility.  I wanted them to see that this is a normal thing to go through and that they don't have to hide.  I wanted to offer them positivity and almost a sisterhood, reminding them that they're not alone, they will get through this, and they will hold their miracle babies someday!

As we moved through the process, I started to notice more and more issues in my marriage.  Let me be clear that I have never had a perfect marriage, as there is no such thing, and I think because I was young and somewhat naive I looked over a lot of the flaws.  However, as we came closer and closer to having a child, and became less and less secure financially it became clear- Jim and I will never be on the same page.  He is lazy, nasty, and unproductive.  He cares more about hanging out with his friends and bowling, than making sure we have money for our bills.  He's never held a stable job, he thinks my parents should always bail us out of any financial trouble that we may run in to, he's verbally and emotionally abusive.  He's the exact opposite of what I actually want my husband or father of my children to be like. 

So once again, the blog changed directions.  Now I was using as a way to get out how I was feeling about him and how I wanted out.  As I grow and become stronger, I write about how I'm doing.  In some ways it's more of a journal than anything else.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm all over the place right now and so it my blog, but it's a fairly good picture of who I am.  My reason to blog now is to share my story and again let women know they're not alone, they don't have to cower and be afraid the way I have been for so many years.  We deserve better, we deserve the best, and we shouldn't settle. 

Of course, mixed in with all this very personal information I also enjoy blogging so that I can share recipes and crafts that I love.  I hope that someday I may be able to share positive relationship advice, maybe even talk about another marriage, and I certainly pray that someday I'll be able to talk about being a mom.

This blog means everything to me.  It truly is a way to get out some of my inner most thoughts, a way to express myself in a "judgement free" zone, and sometimes it helps me to just work out the issues  that have been weighing on me so that I can focus and see things clearly.  I love that I've joined this community, I hope that my little piece of the Internet will grow as I grow, that I will be able to help empower women who feel like they just can't get anywhere and let them see that they can and will have a better future.

If nothing else, I blog so that I can believe this statement and help others to believe it as well- believe in yourself, stay strong, and know your worth.  Everything else will fall into place.