Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fool's and the joke's on me

Long story short, I made a full on attempt to leave my husband, Jim, yesterday.  I had movers lined up, my bags were backed, and my parents took off work to come from PA to NJ to help me get through it all.  I told him about 30 minutes before they got there.  He was sad but was surprisingly calm (probably because this was the 2nd time in 3 months I told him I wanted out, but the first time I was really going through with it.)  

He left.  The movers arrived.  My landlords came out to question the whole situation.  They're an amazing, little old couple.  The man hugged me, the woman slapped me (she said it was about time, I deserve better.)  While I was talking to her, Jim came back and began to beg.  We went up into our bedroom so we didn't make a scene like (I'm sorry) white trash.  I kept telling him "no," it wouldn't work, I wanted to be by myself, I wanted out.  I told him reason after reason and he just kept pushing.  I'm weak, I prayed for my parents to show up, they should have been there before he even came back (turns out they were lost.)  I knew they would put their foot down.  They would help me find the strength I needed to finally push him away.  They've told me time and time again, they were so sad when I choose to marry him, they were happy I had come to this decision on my own, and would do everything they could to help me get out.

When they walked in, my mom heard Jim talking.  I'm not sure how much she heard but I'm sure she was standing in our doorway long before she knocked and made her presence known.  Expecting her to kick him out, she pulled a fast one on me, telling me it was obvious what he was saying was from the heart, she doesn't condone marriage except in extreme circumstances and she really believed that we could work it out.

The movers were paid for and already moving my stuff.  I quit my job on Friday.  There was no turning back on the move, and I didn't want to turn back on it.  I wanted out.  So I got out.  I'm now living in PA, at my parents house, with Jim.  We have to go to marriage counseling for 6 months and if at the end of that we (or really I) feel that I still want out, he has to give in, and let me go.
That's all well fine and good, and this may turn out to be for the best but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not standing my ground and confused by Jim.  I know I'm a pretty great person but I'm nothing amazing- I'm over weight, I have no fashion sense, I never wear makeup, I usually burn what I attempt to cook, and I talk about things that must not be very interesting since no one (and I mean NO ONE) ever lets me finish a story in one shot (I'm almost certain that they interrupt me constantly in hopes that I'll just give up, but then when I do, they insist I keep going, it makes no sense to me!)  Anyway, back to my original point- I'm nothing amazing so why is he trying so hard to stay with me?  What is it that makes me that desirable?  

It's security.  Without me he has no money coming in, no health insurance, nothing.  He'll lose his car since it's in his and my dad's name and my father will never let him ruin his credit.  He'll have no where to live since he can't pay the rent with the $0 he has coming in.  He'll have nothing.  I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, but this is where I'm at.  I'm not going to try to fool myself into thinking that I'm such a fantastic person and amazing wife, that he actually needs me for that alone.  He only begged to stay because otherwise he'd literally have nothing- but my parents bought his bullshit story.  

I'll go to counseling, we'll see what happens.  But if he can't convince me that he needs me for me and not the financial security (meager as it may be) that I bring to the table, you'll be reading a very similar blog post in 6 months but it'll be me actually leaving him once and for all.

5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry the move did not work like you planned and hopefully you will find ways at your parents' house to gain some distance from each other in order to really focus on you! You might consider staying in a hotel for a week, just to have that alone time that you need (I know that's what you were trying to do and it's one more expense, but you deserve it.)

    I do think your mom's idea of couples therapy is smart - you will both gain perspective and therefore regularly talking (with an impartial person there to moderate) might be helpful during this time, rather than constant pleading or bickering. Therapy certainly does not mean getting back together at the end, but it will help you both figure out how to go from here - both in terms of separating your lives and setting new personal goals. Divorce can be messy because of finances and such, so eventually parting on mutual terms would probably be good - and that might be the result of some couples therapy. (If you can, individual therapy is also great - I swear by it - and can help you find your next steps!)

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  2. I am so sorry nothing turned out as planned. Hopefully your parents and Jim will see that what you really need is to be happy, whatever that means. Good luck with the counseling, definitely try to keep an open mind so you can reasses in six months. Thinking about you!

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  3. I'm so sorry that the plan blew up in your face, and that it couldn't be as clear cut as you intended it to be. I think it is fair to give it a 6 month trial period, and I hope in that time you can work on YOU. I am so sad to read how little you think of yourself, and hope that over the next six months you can gain back whatever you feel you have lost of yourself in the past. Sending hugs <3

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  4. I'm sorry you're having to go through this at all. I can't imagine how hard it was to come to the decision to leave, only to have it not work the way you needed it to. I agree with Cici, use this time to also work on yourself and maybe do some private individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. Sending you lots of hugs and strength

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  5. Thanks for all the kind words of support ladies! I don't know what I'd do without people like you!

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