Saturday, April 5, 2014

Everyone, calm down!

As I'm sure is to be expected less than a week after attempting to leave my husband, my emotions are on a massive roller coaster.  I'm on eggshells around him, I'm on eggshells around my parents, and to top it all off, I'm on eggshells around my friends and family- who I'm not even seeing at this point!

Whenever Jim and I try to talk it turns into an argument- nothing new there, except it bothers me even more now because I wasn't supposed to have to deal with that anymore.  He wants to start new, great!  I told him he has to start from the beginning, I want him to pick me up, romance me, seduce me.  I know I'm a bitch for the way I tried to leave him, but seriously, I wanted to leave for the lack of love, affection, romance, connection, etc... So if he wants to stay he needs to change and one of the things that needs to change is I want to be woe'd.  I know that I said on Tuesday that I'm really not worth it, and I still believe that I'm not, but if he wants to claim he demanded to stay together because of how much he loves me then I want him to prove it!



My parents are really laying in on Jim with testing him as well, which I love because they're making him work for it.  However, he then turns to me and expects me to protect him from their prying, which I used to do, but refuse to do any longer.  That just causes a whole bunch of frustration and me being put in the middle.  While I know ultimately I should choose my husband over anyone else, I would prefer to choose my family- perhaps this is the root of some of our issues. 

I really need to talk some things over with some very close friends of mine- 1 I haven't spoke to since a terribly short text on Monday night, and the others are former coworkers who have decided that I lied about the whole thing and just made this all up so I could leave work.  (I hated my company but I wouldn't go through this much trouble just to quit.)  Clearly, I really need to talk to them and get everything straightened out, but I just haven't mustered the strength to actually sit down and go through that.

I've been "temporarily" banned from speaking to or seeing my grandparents because they don't want to hear about what happened and they're mad at me for not actually going through with leaving Jim.  1- they shouldn't have known in the first place, thanks Mom.  2- they don't seem to have the whole story, specifically how staying together and him coming to PA was my mom's idea, again thanks Mom.  Wednesday is my Nonnie's (grandmothers) birthday and today is a luncheon that almost all of my family will be at for her.  One of the things I was really looking forward to was getting back to seeing my family on a regular basis, but I can't go because she doesn't want to see me.  And I can't tell Jim, because his immediate reaction is to not care about what anyone else thinks and that I should choose him over her anyway.


I've never been a very emotionally stable person, I generally cry easily and without explanation, and this situation has only made that worse.  My parents don't want to see me cry, Jim can't handle when I cry, and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom so I can cry it out in peace.  Better yet, I'd like to not be crying at all.  We need counseling and we need it fast because I'm not going to be able to make it through another week like this.  Anyone know of where we can get discount or dare I say free counseling?  That would be unbelievably helpful!



15 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that you're goin g through all of this. You are worth it, and you will get through it!

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  2. Either go to the local church or: http://www.yellowpages.com/pa/free-couples-counseling

    I think you should write your grandmother a nice birthday card with a note tucked inside explaining how your PARENTS chose for him to go with you.

    You are worth it (and start thinking it!). Fake it until you make it. And remember that when he tries to "win" you over again. And also remember that just because he can pull it together for a week, a month, or whatever, chances are this will happen again. Don't be fooled unless you are 100% sure he has changed.

    And you're right to not put yourself in the middle. Let him deal with it. He wanted you back so badly, he can deal with it.

    -Meliss

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  3. Meliss,

    I'd really get myself checked out for cyclothymia, especially if you find yourself unstable emotions especially during the spring. Cyclothymia is the mildest variant of Bipolar, and can be very sensitive to light changes. I find myself often in a mixed state this time of year, due to the increase in sunlight. Mixed states are the worst, because they make you angry, insecure, and even react virulently to minor offences. All while having an absurd amount of energy.

    Mixed states are really dangerous, because the energy makes you able to act upon negative emotion. Burn bridges, break things, get into massive debt, or take irrational risks.

    Cyclothymia is very often confused for other conditions, despite affecting 1% of the populace, only 0.2% are diagnosed. It's too mild to be Bipolar I, and the mood swings last longer than Bipolar II (4-10 weeks of stable state in one of the 4).

    So it gets confused with depression in the downswing, general anxiety disorder in the mixed episodes, and ADHD in the up.

    Hope that helps.

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  4. I'm sorry you're going through all of this but know that YES you are worth it and that hopefully you will realize it and that your husband will shower you with what you need and want out of this relationship.

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  5. You are going through a confused and bad state. Sit back and breathe. Relax. Seek to understand than be understood and try to speak out things with your husband and put your expectations straight. Make it up and dont be disappointed with the outcome. You are destined for a greater good. Be happy.
    Check out my blog www.malavikka.blogspot.com

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  6. Sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment. I hope things improve. Nice to connect and follow http://aimingforapublishingdeal.blogspot.co.uk/

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  7. I am sorry to hear that. BUt am sure you are a strong person.

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  8. You know, when you blog about your worries, you'd feel much better!

    www.volatilespirits.com

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  9. check out www.familylife.com. They specialize in helping you find counseling/save your marriage.

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  10. Hope it all works out. Divorce is hard. New follower, Shawn from Laughing at Life 2

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  11. Wow waht a roller caoster of emotion you are on. best of luck most people have felt the way you have at one time or another. Maybe if either of you work for a company that has a eap program. check and find out fast. And good luck. hugs cv

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  12. My parents are divorced, I understand how hard it is !
    Take care dear !

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  13. Writing your thoughts is a good start to therapy. My family doesn't agree with writing personal things online but I find the support of fellow bloggers amazing. I'm always here as a blogger friend if you need to talk. Look me up on my social networks or just send me an email.

    Following from Blogging AtoZ.
    I'm writing "Things My Husband Has Broken" A to Z at http://AMomsPointOfView.com
    Come by and check it out.

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  14. Wow! I step away from the blog for 2 weeks and find an outpouring of support and kind words. I can't thank you all enough! I appreciate your thoughts and help.

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