Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Needing to vent...

(This post is possibly too honest and personal, but I really needed to get this out, and really you all know everything so why hold back?)

I'm having a particularly hard time over the past few days.  Cleaning is cathartic for me.  I went on a cleaning spree this weekend (and into last night) that included completely reorganizing my kitchen, scrubbing my bathroom, cleaning out my dressers, and starting to reorganize the closets.  Last night, Jim went out and I was sitting in the bedroom, going through clothes and balling my eyes out. 

I'm trying so hard to follow the path that God has laid out for us.  I believe in His power and His timing (even if I don't agree with His timing.)  I know my baby is coming.  This verse has been particularly helpful-

For I know the plans I have for you,
Declares the Lord,
plans for welfare and not for evil,
to give you a future and hope (Jeremiah 29:11)

But I'm so tired.  I'm tired of always smiling and saying, "it'll happen, my time is coming." 

It doesn't help that Jim is so negative, not about the baby, but just life in general.  As soon as he runs into trouble with work (he's a realtor) or money or almost anything, he just wants to throw in the towel and give up.  I'm left to pick him up and set him straight.  I'm exhausted being positive for the both of us and honestly it takes at toll on me mentally and physically.  I think it's part of why I've been so sad these past few days.  He's working so hard at work, which is fantastic, and I love to see, but I'm constantly having to tell him to stick with it, and keep going.  When is he going to do that for me? 

I feel awful putting him down, especially on here.  I know I make him sound like a bad husband, which he's not.  But sometimes I just need more and it makes me worried for the future.  I have quite the imagination and my mind starts to play tricks on me with thoughts like- maybe we're not supposed to have a baby, or maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby with him.  What if we have a baby and he losses his job or decides he doesn't want to be together anymore (again.)  It's just a scary predicament to be in.  I know anything can happen, even the strongest couple can fall a part without working, and ultimately I need to be having this conversation with him, but I'm at work and my mind is racing and I just needed to get this out!


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