April Fool's and the joke's on me

Long story short, I made a full on attempt to leave my husband, Jim, yesterday.  I had movers lined up, my bags were backed, and my parents took off work to come from PA to NJ to help me get through it all.  I told him about 30 minutes before they got there.  He was sad but was surprisingly calm (probably because this was the 2nd time in 3 months I told him I wanted out, but the first time I was really going through with it.)  

He left.  The movers arrived.  My landlords came out to question the whole situation.  They're an amazing, little old couple.  The man hugged me, the woman slapped me (she said it was about time, I deserve better.)  While I was talking to her, Jim came back and began to beg.  We went up into our bedroom so we didn't make a scene like (I'm sorry) white trash.  I kept telling him "no," it wouldn't work, I wanted to be by myself, I wanted out.  I told him reason after reason and he just kept pushing.  I'm weak, I prayed for my parents to show up, they should have been there before he even came back (turns out they were lost.)  I knew they would put their foot down.  They would help me find the strength I needed to finally push him away.  They've told me time and time again, they were so sad when I choose to marry him, they were happy I had come to this decision on my own, and would do everything they could to help me get out.

When they walked in, my mom heard Jim talking.  I'm not sure how much she heard but I'm sure she was standing in our doorway long before she knocked and made her presence known.  Expecting her to kick him out, she pulled a fast one on me, telling me it was obvious what he was saying was from the heart, she doesn't condone marriage except in extreme circumstances and she really believed that we could work it out.

The movers were paid for and already moving my stuff.  I quit my job on Friday.  There was no turning back on the move, and I didn't want to turn back on it.  I wanted out.  So I got out.  I'm now living in PA, at my parents house, with Jim.  We have to go to marriage counseling for 6 months and if at the end of that we (or really I) feel that I still want out, he has to give in, and let me go.

That's all well fine and good, and this may turn out to be for the best but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not standing my ground and confused by Jim.  I know I'm a pretty great person but I'm nothing amazing- I'm over weight, I have no fashion sense, I never wear makeup, I usually burn what I attempt to cook, and I talk about things that must not be very interesting since no one (and I mean NO ONE) ever lets me finish a story in one shot (I'm almost certain that they interrupt me constantly in hopes that I'll just give up, but then when I do, they insist I keep going, it makes no sense to me!)  Anyway, back to my original point- I'm nothing amazing so why is he trying so hard to stay with me?  What is it that makes me that desirable?  

It's security.  Without me he has no money coming in, no health insurance, nothing.  He'll lose his car since it's in his and my dad's name and my father will never let him ruin his credit.  He'll have no where to live since he can't pay the rent with the $0 he has coming in.  He'll have nothing.  I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, but this is where I'm at.  I'm not going to try to fool myself into thinking that I'm such a fantastic person and amazing wife, that he actually needs me for that alone.  He only begged to stay because otherwise he'd literally have nothing- but my parents bought his bullshit story.  

I'll go to counseling, we'll see what happens.  But if he can't convince me that he needs me for me and not the financial security (meager as it may be) that I bring to the table, you'll be reading a very similar blog post in 6 months but it'll be me actually leaving him once and for all.

High Five for Friday (Vol. 24)

Hey!  High five!  It's Friday!!!  It was a good week on my end, though the blog reflects none of that!  Here's my chance to fix it! 

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1. Saturday walking tour of NYC.  My friend/co-worker took me to all the "tourist traps" and we walked over 20000 steps!!!  I promise to give a full recap of the trip next week.  It was quite the adventure and I loved it!

2. Bayonne's St. Patrick's Day parade and poker- what better combination is there?  We had green beer at 11 am, stayed long enough to see my niece with her cheer leading squad, then headed over to the free poker tournaments at Winners.  I won 2!  What, what!!!

3. Spades!  Have you ever played Spades?  I had no idea how much fun it could be.  On Tuesday night we had pizza and played spades with our best friends.  To make it even better, the girls won!  Girls rule, boys drool!

4.  Wednesday I had my weekly babysitting date with my favorite munchkin.  He wasn't feeling well, which was sad, but he was super cuddly.  We laid on the couch and watched baby tv til he got comfy enough to sleep.  How could you not love a little angel, like this?!

5.  Phone chats!  I usually don't like talking on the phone but I had a 30 minute plus phone call with my best friend this morning on the ride in to work.  I love our random chats, and we don't get them often so even though the conversation was a little sad it was completely enjoyable.

How was your week?
Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Linking up with a bunch of amazing bloggers, please check them out as well!

Lauren

Jennie

The Northeast Bloggers

and

Joy

High Five for Friday (Vol. 23)

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Welcome back to the weekly run down of the top 5 things to happen this week.  Can I just say that, I loooooove me some Friday's!  Next to Saturday, it really is the best day of the week!

My week started out with a bang, a birthday bang!  For some reason a lot of people I love were born in March.  My best friend is the 8th, my sister in law is the 15th, father in law is the 16th, and my cousin (in law) is the 19th.  Needless to say, I sang happy birthday A LOT this week!  But it was more than just birthday's that made me happy this week, let's get started.

1. As I mentioned earlier this week, Saturday was my best friends birthday party!  This amazing lady turned 30 last week but we celebrated this week with a "surprise" party.  She knew family was coming over and friends just happened to show up, good job to her hubby on that one!  Not only do I just love being around these people and celebrating Lia in general, but I loved that her party was full of friends, family, and children.  We drank but we were no where near "wasted" and we ended the night with a game of Rummy 300, because we were too tired to make it to 500.  When I was 21 I probably would have thought this was lame, but right now I can't imagine a better party.  The best part was sitting on the couch with the girls, sipping on 50 shades of grey wine, and just reminiscing.  These are the moments that you look back on and cherish.  Here's a pic of me, Lauren, Lia (the birthday girl,) and Sam- can I just say that I left the house thinking that I rocked my look?  Little did I know that all of my makeup had worn off and that my hair is in desperate need of a cut!  Oh well...

 

2. Sunday was another day of birthday celebrations, this time for the in laws.  We went to Longhorn Steakhouse where I had the most incredible steak I've had in years!  It was their flat iron with a portabella mushroom, cooked medium.  It was juicy and flavorful, with a little kick in the sauce.  I will be having that again, someday.

 

3. Monday I was sick as a dog.  To be honest, I had been fighting something since Thursday but I had a big weekend ahead of me, I had to work through it.  When I woke up with no voice though, I knew I had to give in and take it easy, oh yea, and stay home from work :-(.  I texted out because I literally had no voice, spent the morning in bed, and the afternoon on the couch, watching the entire last season of White Collar.  Matt Bomer can help anyone get over a cold.

 

4. Back to the birthday theme!  My cousin, Lauren, turned 25 on Wednesday.  I can't help feeling old as I remember meeting her when she was just a freshman in high school (she's an in law) and now she's a teacher!  The family is really big on cards and I couldn't find one that I liked, so I went old school and made it for her.  I mentioned how I can't help wondering where's the sweet, innocent little girl that I used to know?  Then I realized she's blossomed into a beautiful, sweet, intelligent, driven woman that I can not be more proud of, and I love so much.  She really is incredible and celebrating her birthday was a great way to round out the birthday bananza that happened this week!  (Can you tell that her favorite Disney princess is Ariel?)

 

 

5. Thursday night.  I had promised myself that I was going to have a pasta dinner and watch Catching Fire, but Jim ended up being out all night with his dad.  So instead of what I had planned, I went to Taco Bell, because that's my go to for when he's not around since he refuses to eat it, took my food home and watched 2 random movies on Netflix (Butter and Best Man Down.)  They weren't great movies, but I choose them and now I can say that I watched them, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed doing this by myself.  I had no idea how much I enjoy being alone until recently, I'm sure I'll get over it soon, but for now I plan to revel in it and use it to help me get through the next few weeks.

 

It was a very busy week, just the way I like it!  This week is already looking to be another busy week with a happy hour and trip to the city planned for this weekend and the packing up and moving that will commence next week, I promise I will do a post on what exactly all this means since I realize I never actually mentioned what happened here but clearly something is happening.  For now please just pray for me to have the strength to make it through and stand my ground! 

 

Hope you had a fantastic week and have an even better weekend!

 

As always I'm linking up with some pretty amazing bloggers!

Lauren Elizabeth

Jennie

The Northeast Bloggers

Joy

and

Fresh Faced Friday

I'm sorry for not using your buttons, but they rarely work on my posts!

 

A Day of Happiness

Do you know what today is?  It's....

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I hope you're all having a wonderful day and finding ways to focus on happiness more than anything else.  I've made a few choices differently today to make myself happier.

1. When I woke up this morning, I didn't hit snooze.  Instead, I laid in bed, grabbed the book I had been reading since Monday, and finished it.  I was really wanting to know what happened to the main character and decided the 30 minutes in bed, reading was better spent then trying to put on makeup and surfing facebook.  (This also meant that I ignored the dirty dishes that have taken over my kitchen.  I haven't been home to cook since Monday, so they've been sitting since Monday and Jim keeps promising to do them.  Instead of stressing, I'm leaving them, he'll get to them when he gets to them, otherwise we won't have clean dishes to make dinner tonight and I don't really care.  Why stress about what we can't change?)

2.  I took a different route to work.  There was a major accident on 78 this morning and luckily I saw it before having to sit in grid lock for God knows how long.  Take in alternate route got me to work even earlier and way less stressed than I usually arrive.  I may be taking this way again tomorrow.

3. Since I was earlier, I had to time to get a cup of coffee and really get comfortable at my desk before having to log into the phones and start checking emails.  Ever since I was a kid, I've had trouble with rushing into my day.  In the morning, I need peace and quiet, and calm, otherwise I set myself up to be frazzled by noon.  Finally, today, I got that.

4.  I'm treating myself to lunch. I generally work through lunch or go out just long enough to grab something.  Today, I'm logging out for the whole 60 minutes, I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go, but I can tell you I certainly won't be working, and that's what most important.

5.  I've already decided we're having pasta with pepperoni sauce for dinner.  Jim doesn't really care for it, but it's one of my favorite things to eat and cook (it really couldn't be much easier to prepare) so that's what we're having.  I usually cook what he wants, but I'm being selfish and making today about my happiness, his happiness was sitting at home watching TV all day.  It's my turn.

6.  And finally, tonight I've decided I'm not watching anything else until we finally watch Catching Fire.  I've wanted to see it since it premiered in November, I read all the books in a week back in early 2013, it's time.  I refuse to wait any longer and getting to see it will be the perfect happy ending to my happy day. 

I realize a lot of my happy moments are incredibly selfish but sometimes you need to think about yourself before you think of others.  I'm generally the last person on my list of concerns, and it gets exhausting, today I will be happy because of me, myself, and I, and no one else.

What are you doing to be happy today?

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There's Gotta be Something More!

This weekend was my best friends 30th birthday party.  As I was getting ready, I started thinking about how she was so worried to turn 30 and I thought what does she have to worry about?  She's doing great for 30!  Think about the "typical" accomplishments we're all "expected" to check off our to-do lists...

graduate college
get a job/start a career
fall in love/get married
start a family
buy a house

Every single one she's accomplished!  Go her!  But then that leaves the question- what's next?  What else are we supposed to do with our lives?

From a gaming perspective she's hit every goal she set out to hit, so did she win?  Is it game over?  It can't be game over!  She's only 30!  She still has at least another 40 years on this planet!

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So what else are we supposed to do with our lives?  How do we fill them, make them memorable, make them count?  There's gotta be something more!  But what is it? 

Travel?  Great but you need money for that, which means she has to work.  Plus she has a 13 month old, not exactly the easiest of travel companions.  So it's not the easiest of tasks.  If it's not easy, should she not do it?

Charity/Donations?  There's only so much time in the day and while this is a very respectable goal, should she give up time with her husband and son so that she could help others? (I'm cringing as I write this because I know how selfish and awful it sounds, but really it's hard to choose between being with your family and helping others!)

Raise your kids to be respectable human beings.  Well that's just a given!  Once your a parent this becomes a huge part of your life, but at the risk of again sounding unbelievably selfish, this is to help someone else's life.  What about something for you?
What else is there?  I'm honestly stumped!  I can't think of anything else but there's gotta be something more!  What else can we do with our lives to leave our mark to make them better to feel fulfilled? 

Furthermore, what about people like me?  Lets see what I've accomplished on the above list.

graduate college
get a job/start a career
fall in love/get married but does it count since I want a divorce?
start a family (does my miscarriage count?)
buy a home (LOL)

So am I a failure?  Should I be doing something else?  Why do we all, or at least most of us, feel like we have to accomplish the same goals?  It's almost like the saying, "ones man's trash is another man's treasure."  What's good for you may not be good for me?  But how do we decide?

When I was 17, I through a fit because I had to not only choose a college to go to but also a major.  How am I supposed to choose what I want to do with the rest of my life if' I'm only 17 and I've never really lived?  Suck it up and do it, is basically the answer I was given.  So I went to college, and transferred the next year.  I did finish my degree in history but never received my teaching certification and still don't know what I actually want my career to be! (I blame part of my indecision on the fact that I always saw myself becoming a wife and SAHM, I went to college because I was told I had to but I never really thought I'd need a career.)

I realize this is ALL over the place and I need to reel it in a bit.  So what's my point?  My point is, why is it that even when we accomplish everything we set out to we still feel as hallow and meaningless as we do if we fall short of almost every goal we set out to accomplish?  Why is it that even when in the moment we feel like we're really living, when we look back it feels like we haven't done anything?

We need to redefine how we view our lives, what we see as a success.  It's just wrong that a 30 year old woman, who has done so much in such little time can possibly feel like there is nothing else to do.  Our lives aren't over, they're just beginning, every day should be a new adventure, big or small, but we just can't see it.  I'm worried that if we focus on this too much we'll end up letting out lives fly by and never really do anything. 

How do we change this?
How do we make it better?
What else is there that we're missing?

I have absolutely no idea!  But I'm on a mission to find out, and I'd love to hear what you have to say about it. 

What do you find to be fulfilling in your life?
Do you feel like there is something missing?
What have you done to fill that void?

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