Hello, May. Please be good.

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It's May! One of my favorite months! It seems to be sunny but not hot, flowers are blooming, allergies are in full affect- it's just so much fun!  It's time for everything to be fresh and new!

April's A-Z blogger challenge was a complete flop on my end.  I thought it would be a great distraction from everything I thought I was about to go through with Jim but now that we're working on things I haven't had much time for blogging- a very good "problem" to have.  Alas, I will try again next year.

Thank you to any and all followers (especially new followers from A-Z) for sticking it out with my ups and downs.  I'm sure you're not getting what you expected from my blog, or really what you want from any blog.  I'm still all over the place, as I suspect I always will be.  As much as I'd love to grow and blossom into a beautiful, well written, well read blog, I know this will continue to be more of a journal/personal blog, and I think I'm ok with that. 

I considered doing a challenge in May but seeing as how that so completely fell apart in April, I'm only going to "challenge" myself this month.  Challenge myself to find focus, find a routine, and just get back on track.  Perhaps I'll do another challenge in June but I'm not looking that far in advance right now.  I'm just focusing on spring and enjoying what feels like a season of renewed life.

Go for it!

While I'm looking for work and breaking my back to help my parents around their house, my mom and I have been brain storming!  We've decided that at some point we're going to open our own business.

My mom just turned to me one night and said she'd love to own a business.  I agreed and we started brain storming.  It turns out we both wanted similar business' and immediately got very excited about it.  We've been keeping notes of all our ideas, and looking into what we need to get started.

I know I'm being kind of a pain but not sharing much (like I mentioned in yesterdays' post) but I don't want to share too much too soon and have it all fall apart.

For right now, just know we have an idea, we're excited, and I'll update more when I can.

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Facebook Frustrations

Do you ever log on to Facebook and think, "why am I still bothering with this place?"  There are so many things that frustrate me about it lately! 

Over all, it's great, especially for someone like me who has long distance friends and family.  So I can keep updated on what's going on, see nieces/nephews as they grow, and just generally stay in touch.  Not to mention all the celebrities and shows that I follow as well, although sometimes I do feel like I follow more of those than friends/family (but that's on me, not facebook.)

Even though it's great for staying in touch there are still several things that irritate me, nearly every time I log in.

1.  Shared accounts.  Why???  Why can you not have your own account?  Why does it have to be this amazing happy little couple bundled up into one account?  You never know who is posting, you never know who to tag, and it's just nauseating in general. Do you really want your boyfriend/fiancé/husband tagged in your friend's bachelorette pictures and vice versa?  Come on!  Please, grow up, and get a separate account.

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2. Over sharing.  Again, why???  I get it!  You got a new job, got engaged, bought a house, or some other momentous occasion.  As your friend/family, I want to congratulate and celebrate you, so please do post things big events.  What I don't want to do is hear that you're making an obscene amount of money, that your ring cost an obscene amount of money, or that you bought a 5 bedroom/3 bath house and will be featured on House Hunters (I actually have a "friend" who did this and has been talking about her episode of HH for 6 months now, I'm quite certain she just wants the attention and didn't really tape an episode.  Either way, you're annoying, just stop!)

3. On the flip side- under sharing.  "I'm so sad" will always result in a bunch of "what's wrong?" comments.  I want to personally come and slap every single one of you who responds with "I don't want to talk about it."  Um, yea, you do!  If you didn't want to talk about it, then you shouldn't have posted in the first place.  Come on, people, stop being so dramatic!

Ok... I'm done ranting!  Hopefully I'm not the only one who is annoyed by these things.  Please, tell me I'm not the only one!

Everyone, calm down!

As I'm sure is to be expected less than a week after attempting to leave my husband, my emotions are on a massive roller coaster.  I'm on eggshells around him, I'm on eggshells around my parents, and to top it all off, I'm on eggshells around my friends and family- who I'm not even seeing at this point!

Whenever Jim and I try to talk it turns into an argument- nothing new there, except it bothers me even more now because I wasn't supposed to have to deal with that anymore.  He wants to start new, great!  I told him he has to start from the beginning, I want him to pick me up, romance me, seduce me.  I know I'm a bitch for the way I tried to leave him, but seriously, I wanted to leave for the lack of love, affection, romance, connection, etc... So if he wants to stay he needs to change and one of the things that needs to change is I want to be woe'd.  I know that I said on Tuesday that I'm really not worth it, and I still believe that I'm not, but if he wants to claim he demanded to stay together because of how much he loves me then I want him to prove it!

My parents are really laying in on Jim with testing him as well, which I love because they're making him work for it.  However, he then turns to me and expects me to protect him from their prying, which I used to do, but refuse to do any longer.  That just causes a whole bunch of frustration and me being put in the middle.  While I know ultimately I should choose my husband over anyone else, I would prefer to choose my family- perhaps this is the root of some of our issues. 

I really need to talk some things over with some very close friends of mine- 1 I haven't spoke to since a terribly short text on Monday night, and the others are former coworkers who have decided that I lied about the whole thing and just made this all up so I could leave work.  (I hated my company but I wouldn't go through this much trouble just to quit.)  Clearly, I really need to talk to them and get everything straightened out, but I just haven't mustered the strength to actually sit down and go through that.

I've been "temporarily" banned from speaking to or seeing my grandparents because they don't want to hear about what happened and they're mad at me for not actually going through with leaving Jim.  1- they shouldn't have known in the first place, thanks Mom.  2- they don't seem to have the whole story, specifically how staying together and him coming to PA was my mom's idea, again thanks Mom.  Wednesday is my Nonnie's (grandmothers) birthday and today is a luncheon that almost all of my family will be at for her.  One of the things I was really looking forward to was getting back to seeing my family on a regular basis, but I can't go because she doesn't want to see me.  And I can't tell Jim, because his immediate reaction is to not care about what anyone else thinks and that I should choose him over her anyway.

I've never been a very emotionally stable person, I generally cry easily and without explanation, and this situation has only made that worse.  My parents don't want to see me cry, Jim can't handle when I cry, and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom so I can cry it out in peace.  Better yet, I'd like to not be crying at all.  We need counseling and we need it fast because I'm not going to be able to make it through another week like this.  Anyone know of where we can get discount or dare I say free counseling?  That would be unbelievably helpful!



Did you know it's Friday?

I almost forgot!  Not going to a 9-5 has a big impact on what day it feels like.  But that's ok!  Friday is here and I couldn't be happier to kiss this week good bye!

Since it's been a mess of a week, I don't have much to high 5 about.  Instead I've decided I'd like to share my 5 favorite motivation quotes with you!  Enjoy!

Hope you all had nice weeks and even better weekends!

As always I'm linking up with some pretty amazing women-

Lauren

The Northeast Bloggers

Jennie

Joy

Fresh Faced Fridays

 

Can I work for you?

Now that I'm back in PA, I've got to get a job, like yesterday!

I have been applying and applying, and I have to admit, I'm pretty excited with some of the places I've reached out to.  Of course, I've looked into the "typical" office jobs- covering the phones and putting on a happy face for customers- things that I've always excelled at.

But what I'm really excited about is the 2 retail jobs I applied for.  I know, who am I kidding?  I'm going to end up wanting to hurt myself in the long run, but hear me out.  One position is at David's Bridal.  I love weddings!  What could be better than getting to help someone try on wedding dresses?

The other position I applied for is the head of gift registry at Bloomgindale's!  Again, how much fun would it be to help someone register for gifts?  Especially at a place as amazing as Bloomingdale's!  I went there for the first time 2 weeks ago and I'm still in awe of it.  It was everything I had always dreamed a big, elegant department store would be.  I sound like a fool, but it was pretty amazing.

Hopefully, I'll be working again soon.  I'm over compensating at home, and working my rear end off to help my parents.  I'm not complaining, I like being able to help them, but they are so hard to read, I'm sure I'm bothering them more than helping them.  I already need to get out of the house!

Bad Dreams

Last night was a restless night.  I had what felt like one very long, ongoing dream.  It started out kind of funny...

For some reason I was in my grandparents back yard but in the dream the yard belonging to Whitney Cummings, who was apparently my friend.  She lived there with her sister (played by Catherine Reitman in the dream) and they were introducing me to their corky brother.  They kept telling me I really needed to get back out there and start dating, and their brother would be a good start. 

Suddenly, I blurted out that I was pregnant and couldn't date anyone- I had to go back to Jim.  I didn't look pregnant, at least no more pregnant than I already do, and I had no symptoms.

That felt like it dragged on and on then suddenly I was in an ER saying I was about to have the baby.  When the nurses worked to find out how the baby was they couldn't find a heart beat.  Turns out I had stopped going to the doctor after 12 weeks and the baby didn't progress much further than that, but I never actually "lost" it.  I still thought I was pregnant and just wasn't showing as much as most women do.

Needless to say, when I woke up I was pretty shaken!  How could I have let myself go that long without going to a doctor?  Granted it was a dream but I can't help but wonder how my mind is mixing up everything that is happening during the day and making an even bigger mess of it in my dreams.  Hopefully, this not become a recurring dream!

April Fool's and the joke's on me

Long story short, I made a full on attempt to leave my husband, Jim, yesterday.  I had movers lined up, my bags were backed, and my parents took off work to come from PA to NJ to help me get through it all.  I told him about 30 minutes before they got there.  He was sad but was surprisingly calm (probably because this was the 2nd time in 3 months I told him I wanted out, but the first time I was really going through with it.)  

He left.  The movers arrived.  My landlords came out to question the whole situation.  They're an amazing, little old couple.  The man hugged me, the woman slapped me (she said it was about time, I deserve better.)  While I was talking to her, Jim came back and began to beg.  We went up into our bedroom so we didn't make a scene like (I'm sorry) white trash.  I kept telling him "no," it wouldn't work, I wanted to be by myself, I wanted out.  I told him reason after reason and he just kept pushing.  I'm weak, I prayed for my parents to show up, they should have been there before he even came back (turns out they were lost.)  I knew they would put their foot down.  They would help me find the strength I needed to finally push him away.  They've told me time and time again, they were so sad when I choose to marry him, they were happy I had come to this decision on my own, and would do everything they could to help me get out.

When they walked in, my mom heard Jim talking.  I'm not sure how much she heard but I'm sure she was standing in our doorway long before she knocked and made her presence known.  Expecting her to kick him out, she pulled a fast one on me, telling me it was obvious what he was saying was from the heart, she doesn't condone marriage except in extreme circumstances and she really believed that we could work it out.

The movers were paid for and already moving my stuff.  I quit my job on Friday.  There was no turning back on the move, and I didn't want to turn back on it.  I wanted out.  So I got out.  I'm now living in PA, at my parents house, with Jim.  We have to go to marriage counseling for 6 months and if at the end of that we (or really I) feel that I still want out, he has to give in, and let me go.

That's all well fine and good, and this may turn out to be for the best but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not standing my ground and confused by Jim.  I know I'm a pretty great person but I'm nothing amazing- I'm over weight, I have no fashion sense, I never wear makeup, I usually burn what I attempt to cook, and I talk about things that must not be very interesting since no one (and I mean NO ONE) ever lets me finish a story in one shot (I'm almost certain that they interrupt me constantly in hopes that I'll just give up, but then when I do, they insist I keep going, it makes no sense to me!)  Anyway, back to my original point- I'm nothing amazing so why is he trying so hard to stay with me?  What is it that makes me that desirable?  

It's security.  Without me he has no money coming in, no health insurance, nothing.  He'll lose his car since it's in his and my dad's name and my father will never let him ruin his credit.  He'll have no where to live since he can't pay the rent with the $0 he has coming in.  He'll have nothing.  I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, but this is where I'm at.  I'm not going to try to fool myself into thinking that I'm such a fantastic person and amazing wife, that he actually needs me for that alone.  He only begged to stay because otherwise he'd literally have nothing- but my parents bought his bullshit story.  

I'll go to counseling, we'll see what happens.  But if he can't convince me that he needs me for me and not the financial security (meager as it may be) that I bring to the table, you'll be reading a very similar blog post in 6 months but it'll be me actually leaving him once and for all.