Never a Dull Moment...

This weekend started with a bang, literally!

(source)

Jim threw a fit, refusing to eat what the family was having for dinner and decided to go get pizza.  Not even 20 minutes after he left my mom called up the stairs, "Jim's been in an accident, we have to go to the hospital."  Not gonna lie, my immediate reaction was "are you f---ing kidding me?!"  I was livid.

We drove to the hospital, passing the scene of the accident on the way there- the car is bad but he was fine.  The passenger side was hit, thank God I wasn't in the car, I would have been more hurt but the air bags than anything else.  Honestly, every time we're in the car I feel like he is taking my life in his hands, he's aggressive, and outwardly says "well I'm on this side" when I ask about what would happen if we got hit on the passenger side.  To be fair, this was not his fault, and neither was the last accident, but it's still annoying.  It never would have happened if he wasn't being such a little b*tch about something as simple as what we were eating for dinner.  I won't go into details, but he's been on a slippery slop since last year and I truly believe this was the last straw!  (More on that in a later post.)

After going to the hospital and getting to see the therapy dog who was absolutely adorable, we went home, finally and dinner and went to bed.  My mom and I spent most of Saturday and Sunday shopping, oh how I love retail therapy- it really is the best therapy.  We got a huge discount at Kohl's- I'll be writing about that tomorrow- and went for lunch on Saturday.  Sunday was all about breakfast, the dollar store, Walmart, and grocery shopping.  I never realized how many awesome things you could find at such a huge discount at these places.  Seriously!  Stop going to Macy's, Bloomingdale's and Nordstroms!  Start going to these other places, for most things at least.  Anyway, I'll put away my soap box and stop yelling at the masses.

The weekend as a whole was fairly successful because of all the amazing deals we got but it was stressful to say the least and I'm honestly happy to be back at work.  At the very least, now we get to have fun riding around in this rental car...

How was your weekend?  
Hope you're all doing well!
Have you ever been in a car accident?  I've only been in one and I wasn't in the car- I'll write about that another time.

Linking with: 

April Fool's and the joke's on me

Long story short, I made a full on attempt to leave my husband, Jim, yesterday.  I had movers lined up, my bags were backed, and my parents took off work to come from PA to NJ to help me get through it all.  I told him about 30 minutes before they got there.  He was sad but was surprisingly calm (probably because this was the 2nd time in 3 months I told him I wanted out, but the first time I was really going through with it.)  

He left.  The movers arrived.  My landlords came out to question the whole situation.  They're an amazing, little old couple.  The man hugged me, the woman slapped me (she said it was about time, I deserve better.)  While I was talking to her, Jim came back and began to beg.  We went up into our bedroom so we didn't make a scene like (I'm sorry) white trash.  I kept telling him "no," it wouldn't work, I wanted to be by myself, I wanted out.  I told him reason after reason and he just kept pushing.  I'm weak, I prayed for my parents to show up, they should have been there before he even came back (turns out they were lost.)  I knew they would put their foot down.  They would help me find the strength I needed to finally push him away.  They've told me time and time again, they were so sad when I choose to marry him, they were happy I had come to this decision on my own, and would do everything they could to help me get out.

When they walked in, my mom heard Jim talking.  I'm not sure how much she heard but I'm sure she was standing in our doorway long before she knocked and made her presence known.  Expecting her to kick him out, she pulled a fast one on me, telling me it was obvious what he was saying was from the heart, she doesn't condone marriage except in extreme circumstances and she really believed that we could work it out.

The movers were paid for and already moving my stuff.  I quit my job on Friday.  There was no turning back on the move, and I didn't want to turn back on it.  I wanted out.  So I got out.  I'm now living in PA, at my parents house, with Jim.  We have to go to marriage counseling for 6 months and if at the end of that we (or really I) feel that I still want out, he has to give in, and let me go.

That's all well fine and good, and this may turn out to be for the best but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not standing my ground and confused by Jim.  I know I'm a pretty great person but I'm nothing amazing- I'm over weight, I have no fashion sense, I never wear makeup, I usually burn what I attempt to cook, and I talk about things that must not be very interesting since no one (and I mean NO ONE) ever lets me finish a story in one shot (I'm almost certain that they interrupt me constantly in hopes that I'll just give up, but then when I do, they insist I keep going, it makes no sense to me!)  Anyway, back to my original point- I'm nothing amazing so why is he trying so hard to stay with me?  What is it that makes me that desirable?  

It's security.  Without me he has no money coming in, no health insurance, nothing.  He'll lose his car since it's in his and my dad's name and my father will never let him ruin his credit.  He'll have no where to live since he can't pay the rent with the $0 he has coming in.  He'll have nothing.  I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, but this is where I'm at.  I'm not going to try to fool myself into thinking that I'm such a fantastic person and amazing wife, that he actually needs me for that alone.  He only begged to stay because otherwise he'd literally have nothing- but my parents bought his bullshit story.  

I'll go to counseling, we'll see what happens.  But if he can't convince me that he needs me for me and not the financial security (meager as it may be) that I bring to the table, you'll be reading a very similar blog post in 6 months but it'll be me actually leaving him once and for all.

Photo Challenge and March Goals

It's March!  Do you know what that means?  That means someday soon the snow will melt and the flowers will bloom... soon everything will be green in honor of St. Patrick's Day... and it's really time to get my butt in gear and stop dragging along through this year!

First of all, I'll be taking part in the Northeast Bloggers photo challenge on Instagram!  Please feel free to follow me and also take part in the challenge.  I've claimed that I will be things like this in the past and didn't follow through so I'm holding myself accountable by putting it here for all the world to see.

Second, it's time to get some things straightened out in my personal life.  I've alluded to the troubles in my marriage and almost living Jim over the past few months.  To be completely honest and open with you all, I've been having a dream since before a turned 30.  In the dream, he and I are fighting and I scream at him- "I started my 20's with you, I'll be damned if I start my 30's with you."  It's time to do what my subconscious, my family, and many of my friends have been telling me to do.  It's time to leave.  I'll never get what I want from him- security, affection, respect, a family, etc... Instead of wasting more empty and pointless years it's time to get out and see what happens.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm terrified, what if I end up alone, what if I'm making a mistake?  Honestly, it's better to be alone than in bad or wrong company.  It's not a mistake if it's eating away at me, if it makes me sick to be around him.  It's not a mistake to break away from someone who never builds me up and always puts me down.  It's simply not a mistake. 

I'm taking a huge step by putting this here.  This makes it permanent.  I can't go back now.  Just like the photo challenge (which I do realize this is infinitely bigger than the challenge) I have to follow through with this.

I'll be honest, I haven't told Jim yet.  However, I have made some plans with my parents and will be working out more the details over the next week or so.  I plan to share some although maybe not everything here.  The point of this blog is to share my story, so that's what I'll do.  Ultimately, I want to build myself up, find my voice again, and help others who have been emotionally and verbally abused do the same. 

There you have it!  My goals for March- finish a photo challenge and leave my husband!  Pretty darn unbalanced goals if I do say so myself, but I guess it's nice to have something fun to do while undoing the last 11 years of my life.

I feel like all the blogs out there are from happy wives and mothers- are any of you divorced?  Have any of you been in a similar situation?

Suggestions, recommendations, and advice will be HUGELY appreciated!


(All weekend posts are shared with...)

11 years....

11 years is a long time, at least it feels like a long time.  So why is 11 years so important?  Well 11 years ago yesterday this picture was taken...

Jim is 21 and I'm 19.  It's February 7, 2003 and we've just met about an hour before this picture was taken.  Long story short, I was a sophomore at Rutgers, he had just passed his Realtors exam, we were both looking to party on a Friday night and ended up at Dave's dorm (his best friend and my college buddy.)  There's a lot more to it then that but I won't bore you with the details.  It was a great night, my friend Melissa, and I had a good time hanging out with the guys and when we went our separate ways he went in for a kiss, to which I turned my head and allowed him only my cheek.  I was convinced I'd never see him again since he didn't have my number, but he did have Dave.  Not long after Melissa was sitting on my bed using my laptop, instant messaging a friend through AOL AIM and who would pop up but Jim, looking for information about me.  We met up again a week after Valentine's Day and have more or less been inseparable ever since.  Enjoy a little walk down memory lane with me...

Christmas 2005 in Rockefeller center

Our first apartment together February 2007 

Our best friend's wedding, June 2008

Tailgating at a Giant's game

Our wedding, May 2009

Honeymoon in Disney, May 2009

"Family" vacation with my parents in OBX, 2013

Seems like a great love story, doesn't it?  Fast forward 11 years... at this very moment we have been "officially" together for 10 years (that anniversary is in June,) we've been engaged for nearly 7 years, married for nearly 5, trying to have a baby for the same amount of time, but almost a year into our attempts through RE/IVF.  At our wedding, my best friend and matron of honor gave a beautiful speech about how life is a roller coaster and you just have to hold on tight.  It's actually a reference to an inside joke we have (I'll fill in that blank some day but not today) but I had no idea how true to point was until now.  We're struggling and I'm not sure it's worth it anymore.  If it were just a matter of infertility bringing us down I'd say we can battle, we can make it.  But it's oh so much more than that.  Jim is generally just a miserable person and it kills me to think that no matter what I do I can't make him happy, and the more I try the more I make myself feel like a pathetic dog just trying to do tricks for his master.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm tired but I'm also scared. 

To have the future I always wished for, I have to leave Jim.  I have to let go of the past 11 years and move on.  I think this would be easy if I were younger, or if I were older and already had kids.  But I'm 30, I'll be 31 in June.  If I left Jim today I'd need a year to rebuild, at least, probably another year before I really met someone and then another year before we settled down, that puts me at 33 almost 34 in the best case scenario.  Am I going to end up battling infertility again but this time it will be because my eggs have been sitting and rotting while I wasted time?  But if I stay there is no guarantee of children either.  Honestly, I'm the only one working and while I bring in decent money, it isn't enough to pay all the bills.  What will happen if I get pregnant?  What if I have to go on bed rest?  What happens during maternity leave?  Who will watch the baby when I go back to work?  I've known it for a while, but I've been trying and reaching and wanting this for so long that it's so scary to just let it go, but truly it would be irresponsible to have a child right now. 

How do you let go of something you've wanted your whole life?  It's something you know you can have, you know you can battle for it and it will be worth it, but right now it's just not an option.  If you let go and put it to the side, how do you know that option will still be there in a few years?  I'm at a loss for words on that though alone.  I can't help but feel that while the last 11 years is full of some great memories I wouldn't trade for the world, ultimately it's just been a waste.  I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I've thrown away everything on the hope that someday my husband will be the person I thought he was going to be 11 years ago. 

I have to move on and part of that is leaving things behind.  I have to leave all of my trying to conceive groups, but it's just so sad.  I've pulled away from them a lot, especially the girls in the main chat, but I love following their stories, I love cheering them on (all be it quietly from the corner.)  Leaving just makes it feel so final, so definite.  I'm sure I could come back in a few years but by then all the girls I know now will have their babies, it just won't be the same.  It has to be done though and until I do it, I'll still hold on to the glimmer of hope that I'll have a baby this year or early next, and that I'll have that baby with Jim, which is what I've always said that I wanted.  Honestly, right now, I want a baby more than anything, but I know I don't want it to be with Jim, and that should be the most telling statement of any.  If you don't want your husband to be the father of your children, your marriage is over whether you want to admit it or not.

Needing to vent...

(This post is possibly too honest and personal, but I really needed to get this out, and really you all know everything so why hold back?)

I'm having a particularly hard time over the past few days.  Cleaning is cathartic for me.  I went on a cleaning spree this weekend (and into last night) that included completely reorganizing my kitchen, scrubbing my bathroom, cleaning out my dressers, and starting to reorganize the closets.  Last night, Jim went out and I was sitting in the bedroom, going through clothes and balling my eyes out. 

I'm trying so hard to follow the path that God has laid out for us.  I believe in His power and His timing (even if I don't agree with His timing.)  I know my baby is coming.  This verse has been particularly helpful-

For I know the plans I have for you,

Declares the Lord,

plans for welfare and not for evil,

to give you a future and hope (Jeremiah 29:11)

But I'm so tired.  I'm tired of always smiling and saying, "it'll happen, my time is coming." 

It doesn't help that Jim is so negative, not about the baby, but just life in general.  As soon as he runs into trouble with work (he's a realtor) or money or almost anything, he just wants to throw in the towel and give up.  I'm left to pick him up and set him straight.  I'm exhausted being positive for the both of us and honestly it takes at toll on me mentally and physically.  I think it's part of why I've been so sad these past few days.  He's working so hard at work, which is fantastic, and I love to see, but I'm constantly having to tell him to stick with it, and keep going.  When is he going to do that for me? 

I feel awful putting him down, especially on here.  I know I make him sound like a bad husband, which he's not.  But sometimes I just need more and it makes me worried for the future.  I have quite the imagination and my mind starts to play tricks on me with thoughts like- maybe we're not supposed to have a baby, or maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby with him.  What if we have a baby and he losses his job or decides he doesn't want to be together anymore (again.)  It's just a scary predicament to be in.  I know anything can happen, even the strongest couple can fall a part without working, and ultimately I need to be having this conversation with him, but I'm at work and my mind is racing and I just needed to get this out!